IE6 is not supported at this time. Please consider upgrading to Internet Explorer 9, FireFox, Apple Safari, or Google Chrome.

Total War: Shogun 2 Heaven



You must be logged in to post messages.
Please login or register

Bardic Circle - War Stories & AAR forum
Moderated by Terikel Grayhair

Hop to:    
Welcome! You are not logged in. Please Login or Register.5 replies
Total War: Shogun 2 Heaven » Forums » Bardic Circle - War Stories & AAR forum » A mask of frost
Bottom
Topic Subject:A mask of frost
theresa mays toe
Ashigaru
(id: GREEK SCAVENGER)
posted 01-14-13 11:51 AM EDT (US)         
This is something that I'm working on. I've got quite a few chapters done but this is basically the teaser:
Tell me what ya think [Image]

--------------------------

The great part is that Scab is apparently among such people. Yes. Greek Scab. My minion. -Stormraider

"Please don't grind on my wench and herr" - Bleedteals sister, asking me and herr not to grind her but mispelling

If he's not trolling I'll strip myself naked, paint myself green, and cheer for Ireland. -Coldviper. I'm still waiting for the proof....

[This message has been edited by Wobwobdubstep (edited 03-05-2013 @ 06:22 PM).]

AuthorReplies:
Terikel Grayhair
Imperator
(id: Terikel706)
posted 01-15-13 05:02 AM EDT (US)     1 / 5       
This is quite an intriguing piece.

It comes across rather long and tumbled, as dark thoughts should. It also appears to ramble on at length about right and wrong, sometimes a bit too long, but overall I quite liked it. The story is intriguing, information about the character is given in tiny snippets, forcing the imagination to make more out of them, which in itself is a neat trick. I cannot see the plot forming yet, but do see several very different directions it can travel. All of which leaves me curious for more.

Well done, Wobbie. Very well done indeed.

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII
Aftermath
HG Alumnus
posted 01-15-13 07:30 AM EDT (US)     2 / 5       
I like the title, and how it plays into the sociopathic main character.

Writing from first person can be difficult, but you've got off to a good start. There was some meandering parts, and portions where your character is repeating himself.

A little more critique; if this is to serve as a prologue/first chapter there is probably too much info-dump. For example we don't need to know he was an orphan, or the rest of the background given. Secondly, I think you've fallen into the trap that makes first person POV so difficult; you 'tell' rather than 'show' - we're told about his dad, we're told about his upbringing, we're told he cares for his sister.

Also - your format; is he writing this in a journal? A biography? A confession? This will change how you write, and you need to decide why your character is writing also. And finally, there is no indication of a plot (which will undoubtedly tie into the above about why the character is writing) perhaps ending the chapter with something like "Thus begins my story, my recanting of the days and weeks that led to my confinement in this fine dungeon. I have never begun to write with so much dread..."

Do I make sense?

Looking forward to the next instalment

A f t y

A A R S

:: The Sun always rises in the East :: Flawless Crowns :: Dancing Days ::

"We kissed the Sun, and it smiled down upon us."
theresa mays toe
Ashigaru
(id: GREEK SCAVENGER)
posted 01-15-13 07:49 AM EDT (US)     3 / 5       
Yeah something was postd here.

The great part is that Scab is apparently among such people. Yes. Greek Scab. My minion. -Stormraider

"Please don't grind on my wench and herr" - Bleedteals sister, asking me and herr not to grind her but mispelling

If he's not trolling I'll strip myself naked, paint myself green, and cheer for Ireland. -Coldviper. I'm still waiting for the proof....

[This message has been edited by Wobwobdubstep (edited 03-05-2013 @ 06:20 PM).]

Aftermath
HG Alumnus
posted 01-16-13 04:59 AM EDT (US)     4 / 5       
I think you're right, theres something about it that doesn't work. Maybe its just that I have an aversion to first person, too many "I"s, too much telling. Too often it reads like a bullet point list of what said person does in a day.

A f t y

A A R S

:: The Sun always rises in the East :: Flawless Crowns :: Dancing Days ::

"We kissed the Sun, and it smiled down upon us."
Terikel Grayhair
Imperator
(id: Terikel706)
posted 01-16-13 07:00 AM EDT (US)     5 / 5       
I found this piece somewhat less interesting than the opening piece. I don't mind the first person point of view, but it seemed an awful lot of thought/internal conversation going on. Basically the guy went from the airport to his hotel, and that took up twelve paragraphs, most of it what the character sees and what he thinks about what he sees. And most of that was through a haughty and arrogant personality, which does not grab the reader's interest or make the character likeable. I could not decide whether the character was supposed to be the hero, an anti-hero, or even wish for his eventual success or failure. Most of the opinion I formed after reading it was so vague concerning the charcter that I can't even pin it down.

The first piece was very good. This one was less so, due to the sheer weight of the internal point of view, but it does have promise and potential. It depends if the story kicks into gear in the near future.

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII
You must be logged in to post messages.
Please login or register

Hop to:    

Total War: Shogun 2 Heaven | HeavenGames